I've stopped blogging for 3 months now. It's not that I don't have things to write about, rather, it's the Narrative I've been continuously holding for these 3 months that has changed my habits.
Firstly, let's do a crash course on basic body dispositions to set the context. There are 4 main body dispositions we hold everyday:
1) Warrior: A resolution-focused, forward-moving body disposition. It's always about achieving the goal in front of you, no matter what.
2) Lover: "Come, talk to me." The lover holds an open body disposition, laid back, relaxed and approachable. Holding the Lover disposition allows for many conversations to take place (be it shallow or deep). People will be more willing to share with a Lover who wants and can listen to them, as opposed to a Warrior who perhaps just wants the conversation to end/move on to something more "productive".
3) Joker: The joker is the comedian of the club. Never afraid to look silly, through cracking funny jokes or being goofy, he/she lightens up the mood and brings laughter to fun to people around him/her. In situations where such light-heartedness would serve, the Joker comes in handy.
4) King/Queen: "I own the room I am in". Not meaning for this to be in the arrogant sense, the King/Queen exudes an air of complete stability. Nothing fazes him/her, everything is within his/her control. Holding a certain space in a King/Queen position helps in calming other more anxious/agitated individuals down. From lack of control to wielding control.
Okay, so I've laid out the basics. I realise that in these 3 months of absence, I've been mainly holding the Warrior body disposition. Not just in my body, but also in my mind and how I interact with people. Even there's no good/bad body disposition, I've started to feel such an overdose of Warrior that the scale is tipping to "Bad, Needs a Good Counterbalance".
I've been bogged down by extreme stress lately. I constantly worry about internship and job applications. I tell myself I need to secure a good and suitable internship to increase my chances in clinching a good first job after I graduate. I've heard talk about how a first job is actually very important in terms of future career progression. So I tell myself repeatedly: "Get that good internship. Get that good first job. Don't botch up." The good thing is, I've gained more clarity in the kind of work I want to explore in the future: something that taps heavily into creativity, strategic thinking and problem-solving, and which marries my passions of writing and doing social good. Yet, the lack of responses from potential companies is worrying. (Read: added stress.)
Additionally, my academic studies haven't been very forgiving. Taking 3 intensive advanced modules have left me breathing for air and space. Deadline after deadline, reading after reading. Halfway into the semester and I'm feeling slightly burnt out. I tell myself: "I need to get my As. I need to do well. Study in my free time, free up time to study. Keep studying, be diligent. Study in advance, revise concepts repeatedly and I will do well." (Read: added stress again.)
I've been pushing myself too hard. I'm aware of that. This is started to creep into my choice of words in my interactions with others: "not enough (time)", complaints about certain assignments, expressing worry of project X or essay Y, "what if (I am doing it wrong/the prof expects something else etc). I'm putting myself in this box, yet at each side of this box there is a Kai Ying pushing the walls of this box, making it smaller, harder to move and breathe.
The energy, once running on positive determination and diligence, is depleting. And in its place, negative stressful energy is pushing my engine into overdrive. I'm working now not out of "I want this", but out of fear ("I don't want this").
I'm not lacking sleep or exercise. Nor am I eating unhealthily. In fact, I've been the most disciplined I've been in a long while - jogging 3 times a week, consciously eating more balanced diets, sleeping 7-8 hours a week. All these are in accordance with my new year resolutions. Yay, pat on my back. Yet in my conscious hours, stress occupies my mind incessantly. My conversations of possibility and positive confidence have been displaced by conversations of inadequacy and insufficiency.
How do I change this narrative I hold for myself? How do I change from a Warrior to a King/Queen and Lover? I don't have an answer yet.
Do let me know your thoughts on this.