The Not Quite Right Knot Of Discomfort (NQRKOD)
There's this knot lodged somewhere in my chest, somewhere between the breasts. Don't ask me why it's there, I just feel it when I'm trying to pinpoint where this knot is. There's no physical knot, it's just this internal knot that I've been feeling that's bugging me for like 1-2 weeks now. When my finger rests on that knotted spot, I feel my heart pulsing, which strikes me as ironic because this knot has been making me feel like something hasn't been quite right. Like my being hasn't been operating quite right. Have you ever experienced this before? Maybe something happened, something which may have seemed insignificant to you but it actually subconsciously affected you more than you realised (hence subconscious). Perhaps it's the newest unit that makes up the larger block of "Things That Make Me Uncomfortable' and this unit just happens to land on this growing block, causing it to teeter, lose balance, crash, and send tiny blocks scattering across the floor. Okay, maybe that was a little dramatic. But something like Tetris. So a new event occurs and this event's impact (how you perceived it had impacted you) adds on to existing units of impact and it all forms a Larger Impact which hits you kinda hard, harder than you realise, its punch towards you in the form of "let me give you this knot in your chest which will cause you discomfort, enough discomfort to make you want it to go away but not too much such that it affects your daily functions in life'.
So like it's not dramatic enough to cause me to spiral and crash and burn or whatever, but it's this annoying little blockage wedged in the entire machinery that makes it sputter and stagger, not enough to stop the entire thing but enough to cause much delay, inefficiency, and to raise eyebrows of the 'Something is Not Quite Right' variety. I can't quite pinpoint what this is, so I shall call it the Not Quite Right Knot Of Discomfort (NQRKOD), in the spirit of coining everything to make it look more intellectual.
So I know this NQRKOD has been giving me some heaviness, some frustration, some restlessness, but it's not enough to upset me majorly. I mean, I can still carry out my life normally, enjoy time spent with friends and family and do the things I like and be engrossed in them, but it's just always annoyingly lodged in my chest, a constant reminder that something is not quite right. I can't pinpoint what it is, which makes it all the more annoying. I keep trying to figure out what it is so that my life can go back to being Quite Right.
And when I'm typing this post I wonder if it's just me or if others out there have also experienced NQRKOD. I wish I knew what it was, face it head-on and just get on with my life, y'know? Ain't nobody got time for this.
Perhaps it's a mixture of things happening in several areas of my life, in personal relationships (friends, family, workplace etc.), or just expectations I and others have of myself which I did not meet. Maybe I'm feeling a little out of sorts because I set goals for myself but don't follow them through. Maybe NQRKOD is a necessary phase of uncertainty in figuring out what I want to do with my life and at the same time being frustrated at myself for not moving my ass.
I don't quite know the point of this post, just typing in my usual style of largely unfiltered and unedited prose. Maybe this post aptly fits the theme of Not Quite Right. It's something like Spot The Difference, y'know? You're given two nearly identical pictures, placed side by side, and asked to spot the differences in each picture. You point out anomaly after anomaly, and are left with just one difference to spot (it's always the last one, and it's helluva annoying). And you might think you nailed it but it's not the answer cos you press on the screen but there isn't a popup congratulating you on your sharp eyesight, so you're trying to spot it and something always seems amiss in your comparing of both pictures.
Maybe NQRKOD is the quasi-somatic manifestation of Uncertainty. Misalignment. A reminder that time's due for a Check-in With Self. A Time-out of sorts. We all need time-outs from time to time, to interrupt the habit of routine, pause, reflect, regroup our thoughts and refocus our mind, body and soul, before we resume. By this line of logic, NQRKOD is a good thing, right? I guess it is. It's like my alarm clock system on my phone (trust me, you'll know when you see it) that sends me annoying reminders every 5 minutes to get me to get out of bed. I have alarms staggered in 5-10 minute intervals. That's how powerful the magnetic attraction of my bed is.
Anyhow, staying in Uncertainty is helluva annoying. It's like an itch that won't go away. I've used the word 'annoying' too many times in this post already. It's representative of how irritated I am with this NQRKOD. But in a twisted way, I'm glad I'm experiencing NQRKOD. At least it tells me I have an intelligent in-built Reminder System (with a fascinatingly weird set-up) that calls out to me when something's out of whack. So that I can start attempting to fix it.
And I guess it's a lot of noise in my head, mostly alarms blaring out of panic cos the agents inside my head don't know how to deal with this NQRKOD. It could be due to this, it could be due to that. And when I start getting anxious cos I don't know why I feel the way I do, I'm aware my heart starts pumping faster. I get stressed, restless. The body doesn't lie. NQRKOD doesn't lie. It doesn't help that our pace of life is fast. Cars zoom by. People speak faster, walk faster. App notifications flood in faster than you can take them. Headlines flash across the screen faster than we can read them, one after another after another. We're doing more, faster, more hurriedly, perhaps more unhappily.
Perhaps the key to untie the NQRKOD is ironically, more contemplation. But contemplation in a slower tempo, maybe a 50 BPM over a 100 BPM. We can intentionally do things more deliberately, to resist that force of 'Faster'. To moderate the speed of the machinery so we can better see where a cog isn't in place right, or a wooden slab is wedged in the wheels which caused a malfunction. Faster isn't necessarily Better. Full Intention to do something right (in how we each define 'right' as) is always fool-proof. And it's always important to remember not to catch our breath. Not to let ourselves be caught up in the whirlwind of Hectic such that we don't notice we've stopped breathing, or are breathing too rapidly. Take in each breathe intentionally and wholesomely. Then expel all the air intentionally and fully. With the air going in and out of our lungs, in and out past the location of the NQRKOD (like what I'm doing now), it seems the knot gets smaller and more manageable too.
Intention is a slow and steady force of Purpose, before the energy / drive / adrenaline kicks in to speed things up once we know the coast is clear.